Who's With Me?

I was reading the Trib today and ran across this article (reg. required, sorry), explaining all the hoopla about the "Ipex" I'd noticed in the Victoria Secret store this weekend:

"Two years in development."

"The result of an international collaboration of designers, scientists and engineers."

With "a government patent pending."

It's "revolutionary." And, it will make you feel "very safe."

Sounds like the description of a global nuclear shield, doesn't it?

In fact, all that hype is for… a brassiere--Victoria's Secret's new and massively advertised IPEX.

It's been hard to miss the sexy Body by Victoria IPEX bra ads in magazines like People and InStyle. Ditto prime-time TV ads with amped and ample supermodel Gisele Bundchen slinging her hair and gyrating in a black IPEX."

Okay, but that still didn't tell me what the heck was supposed to be so great about it. And what do you mean "safe"? Does it come with a rape whistle?

At the end of the article, I found it:

What is it about this IPEX model that makes it worth almost seven times the $6.84 I paid for that Fruit of the Loom at Wal-Mart? It's hard to tell from Gisele, who talks about "coverage where you need it, not where you don't," and says things like, "I think girls understand what I'm saying because, you know, they're girls!"

Well, you know, I'm a girl and I had to ask a Victoria's Secret spokeswoman, Sara Tervo, to explain. "It's a shaved pad. A contoured pad virtually unlined around the outside and lined in the middle, or apex of the bust," she says.

Apex of the bust? Finally, I just blurted it out: "Are you talking about nipples?" Righty-o. The IPEX bra is designed to combat what Tervo describes as "nipple show through." "One of the biggest complaints of our clients is they wanted an unlined bra-without padding-but they didn't want their nipples to show through."

Alllrighty then. Now I get it. It's not to make us safe. It's to make the world safe from nipplage.

But someone has to ask: what's so horrible about nipples? I'm not referring to the tight-shirt nipplage reminiscent of a wet t-shirt contest, but normal, subtle headlights under regular-fitting clothing. At what point did we decide this was code red material, a fashion crisis of global proportions?

(Extraneous side note: Did anyone consult the guys when drafting the new rules? I mean, I don't exactly go around staring at women's chests. I'd probably never notice normal nipplage. Shouldn't we have at least asked those most concerned?)

Throughout high school and most of college, I alternated between non-padded bras and actually going braless. A smallish b-cup, I can get away with that kind of thing. But about the nipples . . . okay, I'm nipple-challenged. It doesn't even need to be cold, that's just how it goes. But because I never wore slut gear, it really didn't matter. No big deal.

Flash forward to about three years ago. I'd volunteered to help out a local church by doing some onstage time. That Sunday, I was dressed in a loose sweater and long skirt - very conservative. I wore a lightly-padded underwire bra. Mint-green, I believe, to match the sweater.

I arrive at the church and after an hour or so, the woman in charge pulls me aside. She tells me that I need to put band-aids on my nipples, so that not a hint of nipplage could possibly show through.

Yep. Band-aids.

She had some with her.

I am ashamed to say that under the pressure of the moment, I caved. Do you know how those things hurt to rip off? I've never done stage work for that church again. But . . .

Why is it my bras are now all padded? I mean, the 1/4 inch of extra silk certainly isn't going to bump me a cup size. Have I sucuumbed to an artificially-induced fashion emergency designed to benefit the foundation garment industry?

Not so fast, fashionistas. I shave my legs, underarms, and bikini line daily. Even in winter. I like that. I cleanse my pores, manicure my nails, and even tweeze my eyebrows, though I'll be damned if I let you get hot wax anywhere near my eyes. But if I won't get implants to satisfy your stylish statutes, why the hell should I let you band-aid my boobs in silk and steel wire?

I think it's time I get a pretty new bra. Pink, perhaps. With no padding.

Viva la revolution.