Thursday, April 26, 2007

Things I've Discovered on the Internet Lately

If you ever feel the need for a poop transplant, call on Dr. Aas. If you're wondering if you're a candidate, you may want to familiarize yourself with the Bristol Stool Scale.

If you find yourself being arrested, there are a few common-sense things you want to keep in mind, like:
  1. Be polite;
  2. Don't make any statements without consulting counsel;
  3. Ask for a lawyer right away;
  4. Do not whip out your boob and spray the arresting officer with breast milk.

Thinning hair? Haemorrhoids? Cancer? Snakebite? Drink urine! (Can't you just hear the infomercial?)

Those motorcycle/bathtub collisions can be nasty.

A modern version of Swift's "A Modest Proposal"?

Even as we speak, Florida courts are grappling with the controversial "Irritable Bowel Syndrome Defense."

Vacationing on Puketutu Island? Might want to rethink that.

No matter how your cow has had to drink, don't call it a cab.

PT Barnum was right: Thousands of people have been 'fleeced' into buying neatly coiffured lambs they thought were poodles. . . . the scam was only spotted after a leading Japanese actress said her 'poodle' didn't bark and refused to eat dog food.
(PS: Yes, I'm aware Barnum didn't actually say that. But if I'd said Joseph Bessimer would you really have known what I was talking about?)

UPDATE: The sheep/dog thing is a hoax, according to ULRP. My bad.

Theater Blogging

Lots of good shows have gone by during my hiatus, and I'm sorry not to have mentioned them. But I noticed today's DI has a feature article up on To Kill a Mockingbird, and it looks like it's going to be a great show, and possibly one of the last times to see the ever-awesome Madonna Smith onstage before she heads out of state.

Written by Harper Lee
and Christopher Sergel

Directed by Rachael

April 27,28, May 4,5 at 8:00 pm
April 29, May 6 at 2:30 pm

For our final show of the season, ICCT is presenting the stage adaptation of the widely-read and beloved book by Harper Lee. It portrays childhood innocence as told from a mature, adult perspective, and a progressive, enlightened 1960s message about racial prejudice, violence, moral tolerance and dignified courage.

All Performances will be at Exhibition Hall on the Johnson County 4-H Fairgrounds.

Tickets will go on sale three weeks prior to performance.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wednesday Quiz

You are an artist, an aesthete, a sensitive, and someone who has never really let go of that childlike innocence. To you, all of life has a sense of wonder in it, and the story of Orpheus was written about someone just like you.

When the Argo passed the island of the Sirens, Orpheus played a song more beautiful than the Sirens to prevent the crew from becoming enticed. When his wife died, he ventured into the underworld to charm Hades but, in his naivete, he looked back becoming trapped there.

You can capture your unique world view and relate it to others with the skill of a master storyteller. Your sensitivity and creativity make you a treasure to the human race, but your thin-skinned nature and innocence can cause you a lot of disenchantment and pain. What's doubly unfortunate is that, if you try to lose those traits, you never will, and everyone will be able to tell that you're putting up an artificial shell to prevent yourself from being hurt.

Famous people like you: Hemingway, Shakespeare, Mr. Rogers, Melville, Nick Tosches
Stay clear of: Icarus, Hermes, Atlas

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 99% on Extroversion

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You scored higher than 99% on Intuition
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You scored higher than 99% on Emotiveness
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You scored higher than 99% on Perceptiveness
Link: The Greek Mythology Personality Test written by Aleph_Nine on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Are You Serious?

In an article from Yale Daily News:
In the wake of Monday's massacre at Virginia Tech in which a student killed 32 people, Dean of Student Affairs Betty Trachtenberg has limited the use of stage weapons in theatrical productions. Students involved in this weekend's production of "Red Noses" said they first learned of the new rules on Thursday morning, the same day the show was slated to open. They were subsequently forced to alter many of the scenes by swapping more realistic-looking stage swords for wooden ones . . .

Wooden swords? Seriously? And this would have prevented the massacre at Virginia Tech by . . . I'm sorry. I'm coming up completely blank. I've no idea how swapping wooden swords for stage swords could have the vaguest impact on a guy shooting up a German classroom with very real guns.

But, hey, that's never stopped the inane banning by short-sighted bureaucrats of the campus Politboro. Actually, I've got a hint for you people. If you want to be consistent about it, you really should remove all violent verbiage from plays as well. That's actually hitting closer to the source, don't you think? Follow me here: Seung-Hui Cho wrote violent stories for an English class, did he not? Obviously, therefore, English lit and its violence-laden storylines contributed substantially to the Virginia Tech massacre and must be taxed. . .

I mean, banned. Sorry, it was that insidious Monte Python reference. It creeps into your brain at the oddest times. Which totally proves my point.

I tell you, literature in all forms can be quite dangerous. Who knows whether the shooter was actually inspired by a stray line from Brecht or (given the profanity) Mamet? And Shakespeare? Violence, impassioned speeches, and weapons. Talk about a triple threat! I think you'd best just steer clear of his works altogether. 'Cause you never know.

Oh, and come to think of it, you should ban clothing as well. I have it from a very good source that the killer was actually wearing clothing at the time of the attack. Clothing he had purchased much earlier, clearly demonstrating his premeditation. This ban would serve a practical function as well - without clothing, where would one keep the bullets? (Never mind. I don't really want to know.) And I have it on good authority half the campus would actually voluntarily enact this one.

UPDATE: They have rescinded the ban, but not without sour grapes snarking. Dean of Student Affairs Betty Trachtenberg apparently stated:
"[P]eople should start thinking about other people rather than trying to feel sorry for themselves and thinking that the administration is trying to thwart their creativity … We have to think of the people who might be affected by seeing real-life weapons."
Dazzled as I am by the brilliance of that retort, I'd like to point out that "real-life weapons" aren't generally used on stage, and most of us do possess the intellectual capacity to know the difference.

Friday, April 06, 2007

In the Office Today

Ellen (after comparing her difficult week with mine): But it's Good Friday, so that means things have to change, right?

Me (with raised eyebrows): Yeah, sure . . . it worked that way for Jesus.

Ellen: You're going to hell. Please stay in that office. I don't want the lightning bolt to hit me too.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Stop That!

Where did this cold weather come from? I did NOT pack for this.

On to the blogging: I'm running ragged today and so don't have much time for posting. But there's fresh law from Friday on the Iowa Supreme Court website, there's tons of discussion about the Supreme Court's ruling that the EPA can regulate car emissions over on the SCOTUS blog, and Pennsylvania wants everyone to get an intoxilyzer on their car, and a former law professor of mine apparently altered his evaluations and is in jeopardy of losing his license (ps - for a humorous take on the teaching of legal concepts for the BARBRI, head here). As Homercles points out, this Onion article is too scarily familiar to be totally funny (have I mentioned I'm doing a lot of CHiNA cases lately?) In case you've wondered, Lifehacker tells you how to sew on a button and remove grease stains with cornmeal. Keith Richards is one weird dude. Oh, and the Japanese have invented a portapotty that has an "automatic buttspray" feature built in, and researchers might be able to someday reverse the graying process. Still wanting more? Youtube's got Alanis Morissette covering "My Humps." Yep, you heard that right. And . . . the Tuesday Quiz:

Your Dosha is Vata

Creative and restless, you take in all of life's pleasures (maybe a little too much!).
You're quick witted and very talkative, but you also tend to have a spotty memory.
You tend to get very into ideas, people, and lifestyles... but only for a short time.
It's difficult to hold your attention, and you sometimes feel with what life has to offer.

With friends: You are very uncomfortable in new situations or with new people

In love: You fall in and out of love very easily

To achieve more balance: Live in a warm climate and spend some quiet time in nature

PS - Nelle and I were talking about making this a group blog - maybe by combining forces, those of us without a lot of time to post can pop in and out? If interested, email me either via the sidebar link or (for those who know me) my personal email address. Nelle - you gots to get yourself a blogger account first, then email me the info on it so I can give you access.