Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Things I Learned on the Internet Lately

How political junkies are made.

"Why ACME Restricted Internet Access"

If when running you exhale as your left foot strikes the ground instead of your right, you won't get a side stitch.

The local shelter might unload more pets if they hire McSweeney's to edit their ads:

Current: My name is Annie and I have had a bit of a rough time recently. After being in a home for over seven years, I was abandoned. I don't understand why and I really need someone who will love me and help me to trust again. I'm a sweet cat and will make the perfect companion for someone who can love me as much as I love her. Could that be you? I sure hope so!

Suggested: Look, I know the deal. You weren't supposed to end up 37, single, and stuck in a midlevel management career, were you? And he hasn't left his wife yet, has he? No, he hasn't. Well, shit happens. Trust me, I know about heartache. My loving owners "forgot" me in a Kmart parking lot. But I'll be here for you. Let's learn to trust again, together. I'll grab my catnip. Where are we parked?

Oh, and, with ads as with real estate, there is one rule: location, location, location.

The fact that Google has agreed to censor it's search results for the Chinese government really shouldn't change things much. Should it?

Deer hate old people.

What happens when you drop a 50 lb ball of silly putty off a roof. Just in case you were thinking about it.

How to convert an Oral B flosser into a vibrating lockpick. Again, just in case you were wondering. (And please insert obscene joke here).

Mesh trash can resurrection?

How not to impress that hottie bank teller.

How to gaslight the sexually adventurous. Don't even think about it.

Apparently, penetrative sex improves public speaking. Hey, I'm just the aggregator . . .

I bet they both wish it was an ex-parrot. (No, he's stunned.)

Peeling bananas from the other end is easier.

Who's controlling your brain?

I kid you not: the pee tree.

So we're now going to know how many ticks it takes for center of a Tootsie Pop?

Fun and mind games with your local Barista. Can you say "small"? S-M-A-L-L. Small.

BTW - Royce is back!!!! Just in time for the Great Iowa Blogger Bash.

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