The result of the American election in less than three weeks could have huge consequences for the whole world. Yet those of us outside the 50 states have had no say in it. Until now, that is.
If you'd like a say in the US government, you may wish to actually live in the US. Just a thought.
In the spirit of the Declaration of Independence's pledge to show "a decent respect to the opinions of mankind", we have come up with a unique way for non-Americans to express your views on the policies and candidates in this election to some of the people best placed to decide its outcome. It's not quite a vote, but it's a chance to influence how a very important vote will be cast. Or, at the very least, make a new penpal.
The Declaration of Independence? Pardon my crude American slang, but isn't that the document that basically told you Brits to kiss our collective ass?
It works like this. By typing your email address into the box on this page, you will receive the name and address of a voter in Clark County, Ohio. You may not have heard of it, but it's one of the most marginal areas in one of the most marginal states: at the last election, just 324 votes separated Democrats from Republicans. It's a place where a change of mind among just a few voters could make a real difference.
And for only $9.99 we'll give you the email addresses so you can spam them directly. . . .
Writing to a Clark County voter is a chance to explain how US policies effect you personally, and the rest of the world more generally, and who you hope they will send to the White House. It may even persuade someone to use their vote at all.
'Cause God knows those US-types don't know their head from their shiny pink bottom. They think "hanging chad" is some guy with his fly open.
A few tips about writing to Clark County:
Be courteous. Remember that it's unusual to receive a lobbying letter from someone in another country. Think about how you would respond if you received a letter from Ohio urging you to vote for Tony Blair - or Michael Howard . . .
If you're very polite, our confusion with the unfamiliar use of etiquette might make us forget what you're really saying: that we're such idiots you don't think we've the capacity to choose our own government; and that if you could, you'd actually have the entire country declared incompetent, put under a conservatorship, spanked, and sent to bed without supper.
I'm sure they'll appreciate when we reciprocate with little notes outlining our opinions on their political, social, and economic system. Just remember, kids, use your words. Four-letter ones are sometimes effective, but best when written in crayon.
Don't make any assumptions about the voter with whom you have been matched. His or her name comes from the publicly available voters' roll. The voter has not registered any party affiliation. (We don't want individual Clark County voters bombarded with lobbying letters so this site will assign only one name and address to each user - please don't pass yours on to anyone else.)
Of course, if there's only the one letter, that's not so offensive, then, is it? Presuming that the voter will overlook the fact that the entire letter is an assumption that the recipient is politically and intellectually "challenged."
Explain why you think they should pay the slightest bit of attention to what you think about their election. Remember, charm will be far more effective than hectoring.
Distracting them with pretty pictures and shiny objects works nicely, too. Americans are very gregarious, social animals, and you might be tempted to think them quite tame. But please remember to keep your hands outside the cage at all times. Some of our Americans are grumpy and have been known to bite the hand that feeds them propoganda.
Of course, who you urge your voter to support is entirely up to you.
Ed.: "Why are you laughing? No, I'm serious. It's a nonpartisan project. Well, maybe not. But we have to convince them it is. Let me try it again. "I don't care who you vote for, all I really care about is that you take the time to exercise your . . . " No, I am not smiling. Quit yer laughing, it's hard enough as it is. Maybe if we tell them Princess Di would've wanted it that way?"
On October 20 we will publish a selection of the most persuasive letters to Clark County in the Guardian.
Oh, I so have to remember to blog that.
Got it first from the Patron Saint of Mediocrity.
UPDATE:
Josh points out that I should clarify that I'm not actually in favor of telling the rest of the world to kiss off and stay out of our elections. I merely took offense at the tone of this article, which seemed condescending at best.
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