Fun with Algorithms

I've run into it before doing research on different claimed phobias, but it took a brilliant search by a Boing Boing reader to make it truly link-worthy.

See, there's this organization called CTRN ("Change That's Right Now". Catchy, huh?). It's plugging phobia treatments on the web. So it's got some kind of algorithm that catches google searches for different phobias and plugs the info into a pre-written script. Suffer from Clown Phobia? CTRN is #3 on your google search. Plug in your own phobia and have fun. NOTE: PhobiaFearRelease does about the same thing. So far, so good. But this is truly hilarious . . .

What is Prostitute Phobia?

Defined as "prostitutes, venereal disease, or stds", each year this surprisingly common phobia causes countless people needless distress.

To add insult to an already distressing condition, most prostitute phobia therapies take months or years and sometimes even require the patient to be exposed repeatedly to their fear.

(Is that legal??? Define "exposed.")

We believe that not only is this totally unnecessary, it will often make the condition worse.

(If you're talking STD's, I'm pretty certain it would make the condition worse.)

And it is particularly cruel as prostitute phobia can be eliminated with the right methods and just 24 hours of commitment by the phobic individual.

Known by a number of names - Cyprianoophobia, Cypridophobia, Cypriphobia, Cyprinophobia, Fear of Prostitues, and Fear of Venereal Disease being the most common - the problem often significantly impacts the quality of life. It can cause panic attacks and keep people apart from loved ones and business associates.

(ROFL. Can't even type.)

Symptoms typically include shortness of breath, rapid breathing, irregular heartbeat, sweating, nausea, and overall feelings of dread, although everyone experiences prostitute phobia in their own way and may have different symptoms. . .

(Oh, the imagination soars, it does).

If you are living with prostitute phobia, what is the real cost to your health, your career or school, and to your family life? Avoiding the issue indefinitely would mean resigning yourself to living in fear, missing out on priceless life experiences big and small, living a life that is just a shadow of what it will be when the problem is gone.

(Cure your fear of prostitutes and discover priceless life experiences . . . )

Whilst the original catalyst may have been a real-life scare of some kind, the condition can also be triggered by myriad, benign events like movies, TV, or perhaps seeing someone else experience trauma.

But so long as the negative association is powerful enough, the unconscious mind thinks: "Ahh, this whole thing is very dangerous. How do I keep myself from getting in this kind of situation again? I know, I'll attach terrible feelings to prostitutes, venereal disease, or STDs, that way I'll steer clear in future and so be safe." Just like that prostitute phobia is born. Attaching emotions to situations is one of the primary ways that humans learn. Sometimes we just get the wiring wrong.

(Okay, I can't breathe, and I just snorted coffee on the keyboard. . . )

Working with us, you'll rapidly train your unconscious mind to connect different, positive feelings to the stimuli that triggers the phobia. . . . We don't use hypnosis for Prostitute Phobia but our modern techniques are equally relaxing and enjoyable. Clients immediately notice that they feel different.

(I'll bet!)

You'll need to play your part, of course. Usually as part of the work with us there will be some easy and enjoyable homework for you to do, and that will be a key part of your success.

(Thank god I put the coffee cup down already. I don't think the keyboard could take any more.)

We have never met a case of Prostitute Phobia that could not be overcome using these methods. So please, whether or not you decide to work with us, make a decision to get over Prostitute Phobia now. If you trust us to help you, we offer two ways:

Our premium 'VIP' One-on-One service,

Working one-on-one with one of our team, with guaranteed lifetime elimination of Prostitute Phobia. From $1497 and up.

(Id.)

Oh, and as Boing Boing puts it: "It even includes a semi-appropriate (and inadvertantly funny) stock photo in the design of the robo-generated page."