Things I Learned on the Internet Lately

How to grow a Grass Armchair. I wonder if that would get me licensed with the newly-forming Iowa Gestapo of Interior Design?

How not to kill a cockroach. Or a spider. (Full disclosure: in undergrad, I once tried to squish a spider in the vestibule of my apartment with my foot. It was a big one, sitting in the middle of a pane of glass near the door. It was cold outside, and the window shattered when my foot touched it, nearly tripping me. My ex was with me, and when he stopped laughing, he said: "I'm not sure if you squished him, but I think I heard him screaming as he was impaled by shards of broken glass." I have also been known to try to drown them with whatever wicked household chemicals I have at hand: Windex, cooking spray, nail polish remover. Have I mentioned I hate spiders?)

There's always a way to game the system. Some are more extreme than others.

Singing in a taxicab can be dangerous.

I have soooo got to go take out a patent on something. Like eating, or wearing clothes. I could make a fortune.

Somebody should warn people about the grotesque side effects of being locked inside a Hobby Lobby for a month.

The Song That Does Not End and other earworms: finally, there's an explanation. Personally, I still think it was a subtle form of torture, but whatever.

How to Build a Toilet-Paper cannon. 'Nuff said.

Swiss people have too much time on their hands.

There's a Bob Jones University cosmetology program. I guess they learned from that whole Tammy Faye debacle. Then again, maybe not. You'd think she'd get a scholarship? (h/t Salieri).

In case it hasn't been said enough, don't click any suspicious links. I used to occasionally respond to phishers on one of my spamcatcher email addresses (the ones you use to sign up for newspaper sites and such) by putting in an obscene user name and password, but even that's not smart anymore.

You can now sign up for the NSA "No-Spy List."

There's free legal advice on the 'net, too: "Yes, I know you have looked up everything in the jail's exhaustive legal library. However, the fact that they spelled your name McIntyre on the indictment instead of MacIntyre does not mean they cannot convict you. . . . No, Virginia Code § 8.8A-304 has nothing to do with your case. I know you think it does. I know you've tried to explain to me at least 6 times why it's relevant. It's not. I know I've explained this to you at least 6 times. The Uniform Commercial Code has nothing to do with your charge of assaulting a police officer. I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one." (NOTE: You might think that's an exaggeration, but I heard similar things from pro se defendants in the courtroom more than once. The hard part: keeping a straight face during the more, er, impassioned summations. And you guys wonder where I learned how to act?)

Speaking of jailhouse lawyers: When you care enough to send the very best . . . Prison Expressions: "Cards for those who are incarcerated & for their families to have to send to them."