I Have the Feeling

That any guys on the FDA board are working hard to push this one right through.

Check it Out

Dweeze posts the You Tube Fun Bonus: People I Know in Movies Edition.

Things I've Discovered on the Internet Lately

If you ever feel the need for a poop transplant, call on Dr. Aas. If you're wondering if you're a candidate, you may want to familiarize yourself with the Bristol Stool Scale.

If you find yourself being arrested, there are a few common-sense things you want to keep in mind, like:

1. Be polite;
2. Don't make any statements without consulting counsel;
3. Ask for a lawyer right away;
4. Do not whip out your boob and spray the arresting officer with breast milk.

Thinning hair? Haemorrhoids? Cancer? Snakebite? Drink urine! (Can't you just hear the infomercial?)

Those motorcycle/bathtub collisions can be nasty.

A modern version of Swift's "A Modest Proposal"?

Even as we speak, Florida courts are grappling with the controversial "Irritable Bowel Syndrome Defense."

Vacationing on Puketutu Island? Might want to rethink that.

No matter how your cow has had to drink, don't call it a cab.

PT Barnum was right: Thousands of people have been 'fleeced' into buying neatly coiffured lambs they thought were poodles. . . . the scam was only spotted after a leading Japanese actress said her 'poodle' didn't bark and refused to eat dog food.

(PS: Yes, I'm aware Barnum didn't actually say that. But if I'd said Joseph Bessimer would you really have known what I was talking about?)

UPDATE: The sheep/dog thing is a hoax, according to ULRP. My bad.

Theater Blogging

Lots of good shows have gone by during my hiatus, and I'm sorry not to have mentioned them. But I noticed today's DI has a feature article up on To Kill a Mockingbird, and it looks like it's going to be a great show, and possibly one of the last times to see the ever-awesome Madonna Smith onstage before she heads out of state.


Written by Harper Lee
and Christopher Sergel

Directed by Rachael
Lindhart

April 27,28, May 4,5 at 8:00 pm
April 29, May 6 at 2:30 pm

For our final show of the season, ICCT is presenting the stage adaptation of the widely-read and beloved book by Harper Lee. It portrays childhood innocence as told from a mature, adult perspective, and a progressive, enlightened 1960s message about racial prejudice, violence, moral tolerance and dignified courage.

All Performances will be at Exhibition Hall on the Johnson County 4-H Fairgrounds.

Tickets will go on sale three weeks prior to performance.

Wednesday Quiz

Orpheus

You are an artist, an aesthete, a sensitive, and someone who has never really let go of that childlike innocence. To you, all of life has a sense of wonder in it, and the story of Orpheus was written about someone just like you. When the Argo passed the island of the Sirens, Orpheus played a song more beautiful than the Sirens to prevent the crew from becoming enticed. When his wife died, he ventured into the underworld to charm Hades but, in his naivete, he looked back becoming trapped there. You can capture your unique world view and relate it to others with the skill of a master storyteller. Your sensitivity and creativity make you a treasure to the human race, but your thin-skinned nature and innocence can cause you a lot of disenchantment and pain. What's doubly unfortunate is that, if you try to lose those traits, you never will, and everyone will be able to tell that you're putting up an artificial shell to prevent yourself from being hurt. Famous people like you: Hemingway, Shakespeare, Mr. Rogers, Melville, Nick Tosches Stay clear of: Icarus, Hermes, Atlas

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Extroversion You scored higher than 99% on Intuition You scored higher than 99% on Emotiveness You scored higher than 99% on Perceptiveness

Link: The Greek Mythology Personality Test written by Aleph_Nine on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Monday Giggle

Are You Serious?

In an article from Yale Daily News:

In the wake of Monday's massacre at Virginia Tech in which a student killed 32 people, Dean of Student Affairs Betty Trachtenberg has limited the use of stage weapons in theatrical productions. Students involved in this weekend's production of "Red Noses" said they first learned of the new rules on Thursday morning, the same day the show was slated to open. They were subsequently forced to alter many of the scenes by swapping more realistic-looking stage swords for wooden ones . . .

Wooden swords? Seriously? And this would have prevented the massacre at Virginia Tech by . . . I'm sorry. I'm coming up completely blank. I've no idea how swapping wooden swords for stage swords could have the vaguest impact on a guy shooting up a German classroom with very real guns.

But, hey, that's never stopped the inane banning by short-sighted bureaucrats of the campus Politboro. Actually, I've got a hint for you people. If you want to be consistent about it, you really should remove all violent verbiage from plays as well. That's actually hitting closer to the source, don't you think? Follow me here: Seung-Hui Cho wrote violent stories for an English class, did he not? Obviously, therefore, English lit and its violence-laden storylines contributed substantially to the Virginia Tech massacre and must be taxed. . .

I mean, banned. Sorry, it was that insidious Monte Python reference. It creeps into your brain at the oddest times. Which totally proves my point.

I tell you, literature in all forms can be quite dangerous. Who knows whether the shooter was actually inspired by a stray line from Brecht or (given the profanity) Mamet? And Shakespeare? Violence, impassioned speeches, and weapons. Talk about a triple threat! I think you'd best just steer clear of his works altogether. 'Cause you never know.

Oh, and come to think of it, you should ban clothing as well. I have it from a very good source that the killer was actually wearing clothing at the time of the attack. Clothing he had purchased much earlier, clearly demonstrating his premeditation. This ban would serve a practical function as well - without clothing, where would one keep the bullets? (Never mind. I don't really want to know.) And I have it on good authority half the campus would actually voluntarily enact this one.

UPDATE: They have rescinded the ban, but not without sour grapes snarking. Dean of Student Affairs Betty Trachtenberg apparently stated:

"[P]eople should start thinking about other people rather than trying to feel sorry for themselves and thinking that the administration is trying to thwart their creativity … We have to think of the people who might be affected by seeing real-life weapons."

Dazzled as I am by the brilliance of that retort, I'd like to point out that "real-life weapons" aren't generally used on stage, and most of us do possess the intellectual capacity to know the difference.

Too Funny

How Not to Use Powerpoint

Saturday Giggle

In the Office Today

Ellen (after comparing her difficult week with mine): But it's Good Friday, so that means things have to change, right?

Me (with raised eyebrows): Yeah, sure . . . it worked that way for Jesus.

Ellen: You're going to hell. Please stay in that office. I don't want the lightning bolt to hit me too.

What's the Difference between a Lawnmower and a Zamboni?

One DWI.

Amaze Your Friends!

Divining the inner workings of SCOTUS.

Stop That!

Where did this cold weather come from? I did NOT pack for this.



On to the blogging: I'm running ragged today and so don't have much time for posting. But there's fresh law from Friday on the Iowa Supreme Court website, there's tons of discussion about the Supreme Court's ruling that the EPA can regulate car emissions over on the SCOTUS blog, and Pennsylvania wants everyone to get an intoxilyzer on their car, and a former law professor of mine apparently altered his evaluations and is in jeopardy of losing his license (ps - for a humorous take on the teaching of legal concepts for the BARBRI, head here). As Homercles points out, this Onion article is too scarily familiar to be totally funny (have I mentioned I'm doing a lot of CHiNA cases lately?) In case you've wondered, Lifehacker tells you how to sew on a button and remove grease stains with cornmeal. Keith Richards is one weird dude. Oh, and the Japanese have invented a portapotty that has an "automatic buttspray" feature built in, and researchers might be able to someday reverse the graying process. Still wanting more? Youtube's got Alanis Morissette covering "My Humps." Yep, you heard that right. And . . . the Tuesday Quiz:

Your Dosha is Vata

Creative and restless, you take in all of life's pleasures (maybe a little too much!). You're quick witted and very talkative, but you also tend to have a spotty memory. You tend to get very into ideas, people, and lifestyles... but only for a short time. It's difficult to hold your attention, and you sometimes feel with what life has to offer. With friends: You are very uncomfortable in new situations or with new people In love: You fall in and out of love very easily To achieve more balance: Live in a warm climate and spend some quiet time in nature

What's Your Dosha?

PS - Nelle and I were talking about making this a group blog - maybe by combining forces, those of us without a lot of time to post can pop in and out? If interested, email me either via the sidebar link or (for those who know me) my personal email address. Nelle - you gots to get yourself a blogger account first, then email me the info on it so I can give you access.

ROFL

The RIAA "should we sue" decision matrix.

Huh?

State 29 pointed out this article in the Waterloo Courier about a bill that would give full faith and credit to tribal court rulings, likening it to a recognition of Sharia law. I thought I'd go check out the bill myself (SF 430) to see what protections it contained to ensure due process was afforded. The relevant paragraphs:

3. A tribal judgment shall not be granted full faith and credit if the objecting party demonstrates by a preponderance of the evidence at least one of the following:

a. The tribal court did not have personal or subject matter jurisdiction.
b. The defendant was not given fair notice or a fair hearing in the tribal court proceeding.

4. The court may grant full faith and credit or decline to provide full faith and credit to a tribal judgment on equitable grounds for any of the following reasons:

a. The tribal judgment was obtained by extrinsic fraud.
b. The tribal judgment conflicts with another filed judgment that is entitled to recognition in this state.
c. As an issue of law, the tribal court was not the appropriate forum pursuant to the parties' contractual choice of forum, provided the party raising the legal issue must further demonstrate that the issue was raised at each level of the tribal court proceeding.
d. The tribal court does not grant full faith and credit under standards similar to those provided in this chapter to judgments of the courts of this state.
e. The cause of action or defense upon which the tribal judgment is based is repugnant to the fundamental public policy of the United States or this state.

(emphasis mine).

So, the Court can't enforce the judgment if notice wasn't proper but can choose to enforce it even if the judgment was obtained by fraud or is totally repugnant to fundamental rights? Oookaay.

Okay, Fine.

I'll allow myself to get sucked back into this after a few requests and pointed jabs. But on one condition: I can't allow myself to spend hours a day reading all the news stuff in order to come up with some brilliant commentary or feel guilty because I didn't. Yes, that's how bad it got at times. So, that said, here's some interesting things I learned on the net recently:

So if you can use a hamster wheel to power a night light, I've got an energy-saving idea for you: Grownup-sized inflatable hamster-ball. (via Gizmodo).

Just when you thought science was boring: Sex in an MRI Scanner. For research purposes only, I'm sure.

A semi-related news flash, which I'm sure you've heard by now: Men stare at crotches.. (See finding #3). Apparently they felt this was controversial enough to warrant a study?

Toby, a 2-year-old golden retriever, saw his owner choking on a piece of fruit and began jumping up and down on the woman's chest. The dog's owner believes the dog was trying to perform the Heimlich maneuver and saved her life. Ooookaaay. So, the poodle I saw on a guy's leg was really trying to teach him the Lambada?

An Israeli group announced Tuesday that pot is forbidden on Passover. Can they at least have a stiff drink before facing the inlaws?

I can't resist posting this most interesting outfit, courtesy of Go Fug Yourself:



So that's what happened to the sheers after Fraulein Maria made playclothes from the drapes. I'd always wondered.

Okay, so I've spent an hour looking at stuff and posting, so now I'm done.

Really.

Yeah, I Know

I haven't said much this week. I'm trying to figure out a billing/tracking system that doesn't involve selling my soul to either Westlaw or Lexis. There's got to be a way. There are lots of cool blogs on the sidebar, so you shouldn't lack for reading material in the interim.

Quick Aside to a Friend

Not linking the post that sparked this, but:

What happens at poker is all good. No apologies are ever necessary. Take care of yourself. Call if you need anything.




PS - I still think it was a valid bet.

Things I've Learned on the Internet Lately

Bras are dangerous. So is brushing your teeth. And Pop Tarts. The internet: opening an entire library of fresh motherlore. Remember when they had to make do with the same old boring "or your face will freeze like that" stuff?

Video games make lawyers into aggressive bullies. Full text of the letter here.

Scrabble isn't just a game. It's a way of life.

Where to get your french fries with a side of PC.

Where to find the International Travel Department of Tits. Apparently, it's in Tibet.

You remember back in school, stumbling into the 8 am class on Friday with an extra-large caffienated beverage and wondering who the hell thought education was a good thing, only to be confronted with that extra chipper prof who thought everyone should be bright-eyed and cheery? It could have been worse. I imagine a few of his students walk right back out the door and straight into detox.

Neil Gaiman charges Terry Gilliam a groat for book option. Apparently just for the hell of it. Cool. Side note: The book they're discussing, Good Omens? One of my faves. Seriously. Particularly if you like Monte Python or Douglas Adamsesque humor.

A Halloween twist on that whole candles-and-bubbles romance thing: Glow-in-the-Dark bubble bath. Now where was this stuff back when people were putting suds in the Ped Mall fountain?

Apparently strippers are responsible for any further global warming. Just so you know.

Need a fake id? Toonces gotcha covered.

Rehearsal Blogging

Lots of silliness as we go off book for the first time. First, we had a long delay prior to starting rehearsal, while people got measurements taken for costumes and took care of other necessary bits. Somebody brought in the puppet, who's taking the place of one cast member. No, I'm not kidding. Thing is, the puppet already has a wardrobe. In fact, she's got better costumes than the rest of us. Have I mentioned she's also got the best lines?

Here she is getting told off by "Bernice"



Offstage, we're still running the lines.



"Olga" at the piano, being bugged by "Bernice"



"Linda" tells her mother off.



"Pat" and "Kaye"



"Keith" and "Terry"



Okay, somebody was up in the lightbooth




About a third of the cast, just hanging out:



"Terry and "her father"



Relaxing on the sidelines:



Fun Fact: It's probably about fifty degrees in there on cold days. We're freezing.

Quote of the night from extraneous conversation:
Q: "Do you know what Adderal is?"
A: "Do you mean from the Music Man?"

Most fun: After a character offs herself in a manner totally different from the script (a gunshot "blowing the top of her head off" was deemed more fun than poison, and that only after we tried to think up "safe" ways we could have her hang herself from the lightbooth) all cast members not onstage are required to stomp like we're runnning to her bedroom, then scream and sob randomly. We had too much fun thinking up things to say. I believe I heard things like: "Are you okay?" "Can I have her room?" We took the stomping and sobbing right over the top, too.



Only problem: we forgot not to laugh. Oh, and I suppose we shouldn't have been surfing on that platform thingy with wheels backstage. Whoops.