Friday, January 11, 2008

You Do Realize It's All Your Fault

Between a Laugh and a Tear posted a work-related rant. Excerpt:
I explained the offer to my client and answered his questions. My client took the offer, but now, he is complaining that it is too onerous, I sold him out, and that I did not do anything for him.

Sorry to those true believers out there, but what the fuck? Where does this sorry bastard get off to complain? I saved his sorry ass from prison, and got a majority of what he wanted from the State. I sold him out? I did nothing for him? Yeah, right.

That's about right. Did he also mention that by virtue of being a lawyer, you're vicariously to blame for the government's being "out to get him" in the first place? We're the one's who are in the government making these laws just to keep other lawyers in work prosecuting and defending against them, you know. We make a bunch of bull-sh*t laws that are so tricky that normal people can't understand them, and then put on a bunch of penalties that are so harsh that nobody could possibly live up to them, all to keep ourselves rolling in the tremendous amounts of cash we're making from those court-appointed fees.

Oh, and did he mention the giant toteboard? The jig's up, see. They all know we have a huge scoreboard secreted somewhere in the courthouse that keeps detailed, up-to-the-minute statistics on every win and loss of every lawyer in town on every issue, argument, motion, or trial. They know our entire careers depend on being at the top of that scoreboard. I believe the bottom rung of lawyers is regularly culled out, sent in a giant pneumatic tube straight to hell. Or made to become accountants.

I bet you also violated the inherent right of your client to be completely unavailable by telephone, email, or snail mail whenever you attempt to bother him about trivial things such as hearing dates. Conversely, you must not realize that you are on call, 24/7/365, in case he heard of a new defense from his brother, that worked great for his girlfriend's aunt in another state with completely different statutes. And how completely incompetent you are for not having thought of that defense in the first place. He'll have to punish you by not hiring you when he sues the state because he got a hangnail while in jail and they gave him a band-aid, but didn't send him to the hospital for treatment, which his co-defendant swears they are required to do by law. He also has the right to continue to call you every five minutes until you do pick up, filling your voicemail with nasty messages and making it impossible for any other clients to reach you. . . .

I reserve the right to supplement this later, I've got to get to work.

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